Giving is Receiving and Receiving is Giving

“It’s better to give than it is to receive”.  

 I’ve heard this phrase my whole life; I now have reason to really question if it’s true.  It turns out that both giving plus receiving add up to giving.  Confused?  Stick with me on this one and let me share how I came up with this conclusion. 

 I have always enjoyed reading stories of random acts of kindness.   I especially love the stories of someone offering to pay when someone came up short of funds while buying something important to them like groceries.  I have secretly dreamed of one day having the opportunity to be the one that offered that help.

 Last summer, John and I were in a grocery store in Barrie.  It was one of those stinking hot and humid days that make it hard to even breathe and the humidex was above 40 degrees Celsius. 

We picked up a few things and went to the check-out behind a young man who was just putting his items on the conveyor belt to check out.  He had obviously just finished working for the day as he had sweat and dirt stains on his shirt and even the back of his jeans, below his belt, was wet with sweat stains.  He obviously had a family, based on the items that he was buying.  These included some baby items, a bag of cookies, cleaning supplies, numerous groceries and 2 cans of beer.

 When he stepped up to the the cashier he said, “I only have $180” and the cashier nodded as he began to scan the young mans items.  As the total increased and it became apparent that it would exceed the amount of money that he had, he began taking things away and setting them aside.  First, the 2 cans of beer, then the cookies and other “treats”.  He debated over the cleaning supplies and said, “we really need these” and continued his sorting until the final total reached was just less than $180.

 I stood there and watched all of this happen and part of me was excited with the thought that, finally, I would have an opportunity to pay for someone’s groceries when they fell short.  The other part of me was standing frozen in the thought that I might embarrass or humiliate him with this offer.  As difficult as this was, I couldn’t possibly let this moment I had dreamed of slip away, so I moved closer to the young man and quietly asked him if I could pay for the rest of his items.  

 He turned and looked at me with a surprised look on his face and he grinned a little and said, “if you want.”  I assured him that I did want to, only he didn’t know how much it meant to me. So, I asked the cashier to just add the items onto the bill, which only amounted to about $25.

 The young man gathered all of his items and placed them in the cart and said a final “thank you” to John and I.  What happened next made my heart sing.  He put one foot up on the crossbar of the cart and used the other foot to push off and he sailed away towards the door, riding the cart like a kid.

 OMG, my heart was bursting.  Of course, I have no way of knowing if he was as happy as he appeared, or if it meant nothing at all.  All I do know is that it meant the world to me.  We left that store and I was smiling ear to ear as I shared with John that my long awaited wish had come true.  All evening I imagined his kids having a cookie and that hard working young man having a cold beer after a hard day’s work.

 I know that acts of kindness are meant to be done anonymously and without acknowledgement.  I share this story because I want to be honest that my act of giving was purely selfish.  The feelings of joy and excitement were a huge gift to me.  I did it more for me than I did for him, and that’s the simple truth.

 The other gift for me was that I stood for a moment in time having to decide, do I speak up and risk making him feel uncomfortable, or do I rob myself of this opportunity.  I’m so happy with whatever part of me dug deep and spoke those words.  

 Another clear memory of giving happened 16 years ago shortly after my Mom passed away.  I was at a mall with the intention of doing my Christmas shopping and this was the first Christmas without my Mom.  I wandered aimlessly around the mall and the only thing that I could see was what I would buy for my Mother if she were still with us.  My heart was aching and the pain of my grief was unbearable.  

 Then my eye was drawn to The Salvation Army Angel Tree.  It had hundreds of paper angels hanging on the tree and each with a name of a person in need that you could donate money towards a gift or actually purchase a gift for.

 It was something that my mother would have done and it felt so right; mostly, it eased my pain and made my heavy heart lighter.  Of course, the identity of the recipient remains unknown and again I would never know the impact that my donation made.  That to me wasn’t important because again my giving was purely selfish and this time, it was to relieve me of my pain.

 So, there you have it!  Two very different experiences of giving and both with self-serving motives.  The beautiful outcome here is that someone benefitted from my getting what I needed in that moment. The fact that both these people needed a little help gave me an incredible return on my giving.   Life has such an amazing way of balancing things out sometimes.  

 Of course both of these are examples of giving money and there is a multitude of ways that we can give with our time, presence, and many acts of kindness, both random or planned.  They all constitute giving.  

 Now let’s talk about a-hem….cough cough…. ’receiving’..oh how I’ve struggled with this one.

Now, remember that I was raised with the belief that it’s better to give than to receive.  I was taught that you give and never ‘take’ like it was a dishonourable thing to do.  My parents gave much of their time to support our church and small town community.  My Dad prided himself on supporting his family and that we were never in ‘need’.  Even if someone did something for my Dad, he would say, “How will I ever get even with you?” It always had to be paid back in some way in order for him to feel comfortable.

 So, all this to say that the message was clear; give is good and receive is bad.  

 When I think back to the younger me, I couldn’t even receive a compliment.  I could deflect those puppies faster than the star goalie on Hockey Night In Canada.  When I was very young I would blush scarlet red and look down at the ground.  As I grew older, I would deflect by complimenting the person giving me the compliment.  If it was praise for something I had done well, I would deflect by brushing it off and say it was nothing, or not that great.

 I have since learned that a compliment or praise is equivalent to a gift from the sender.  When you don’t receive that gift, it deprives the giver of the joy of giving.  I’ve learned to open and graciously receive with thanks.  

 Another big lesson on receiving came from my niece Sara.  She was in Toronto on business and I met her for dinner.  When the bill came I grabbed it and of course I would pay as I loved to treat my nieces and nephews.  I had no children of my own and they were my borrowed children.  Sara was adamant that she would pay and she explained that it made her feel good to finally be able to treat me.  How could I possibly deny her that feeling?  

 I thought that I finally understood the importance of receiving……..well ….. until this year when I broke my ankle.  I was no stranger to physical issues after suffering from rheumatoid arthritis for many years prior.  I prided myself, during that period of my life, on being able to do things for myself even though it took everything I had. I found ways to look after myself and absolutely hated asking for help.

 Fast forward to February of this year (2019), when John and I decided to move in together two - yes two - weeks earlier.  What a wonderful welcome!  I was totally reliant on him and it was the hardest thing to admit that I needed help with EVERYTHING.  The Universe has such a wonderful sense of humour.  

 It was so hard to feel so needy and yet I could see that his helping me was a way for him to feel like he was making my life easier. Even though he couldn’t fix my ankle or ease the discomfort of the broken bone, he eased my discomfort of being in need. Something happened during that time that brought us even closer together as I opened to graciously and gratefully receive.  A deeper trust of each other was felt and an opportunity for me to challenge all my control issues, of doing things myself.  Oh, I only had a few control issues, very very few.  (Sarcasm alert!)   Truth be told, this was likely even a greater gift to John and  to me because it was a true surrender.  I gave up on things being the way I thought they should be and accepted what was.

 This is my direct experience of giving and receiving. What I have since learned is that the phrase could be, “it’s better to give than to receive and sometimes receiving is the biggest gift of all”. Let’s not give all the glory to the giving and begin to let the receiving know it’s value. 

 Just imagine a world where people no longer need anything from each other.  This whole amazing exchange of energy of giving and receiving would no longer exist.  So, no matter where you are at this time in your life, either in need of a hand up or a helping hand, or in the position to give to someone else your money or time, you are keeping our human connection alive and bringing us all closer together. 

 May this season of giving and receiving, bring you joy that fills your heart.  May each exchange remind us that we are all the same and we can each take turns to be on both ends with humility, kindness, gratitude and love.